Sick down to my Heart

adams hiking the cascades, started in canada, walking back to oregon. 2 months. Selling the cafe, Ill be outta there in a couple months, tops. Struggling with serious drug addictions, killing me slowly, painfully. halfassed looking into detox and rehab centers. I cant wait to be clean... until then, Ive been miserable with this weight on my back. MISERABLE! I miss my boy.

Tomorrow morning I will be attending a lecture given by His Holiness, The Dalai Lama. I am looking forward to a spiritual awakening. Yes. 1/1

so marimar's b-day is tomorrow, and mine 7 days from that (ash wednesday, the 25th) so on the 26th we're loading up her prius and taking off to prescott for ATV riding through the snow, sledding, gun shooting, bowling n beer, awesome coffee, prescott brewery pub food (sooo goood!), free stuff from the anarchist catalyst bookstore, and... MY BOY!! So excited! Hell, Im even looking forward to the nine hour drive. I dont smoke anymore though so this will be the first roadtrip Im not chainsmoking during... We'll see how that goes. Also, kinda thinking since bowling last year was a bust Id have a potluck dinner at the beach house for my bday... Not entirely sure. Ill let everyone know whats up! Besos!

life is so fucking strange, always playing tricks on you, always trying to pull a fast one...
I stopped pretending like I understood people a long time ago, but yet here I am, once again, suprised.
All of you. You all got me. I give up. You win.
next!

Whoooowhie.
So I'm staying the night at my dads new pad, which is awesome, because I'm basically using his laptop in the office of Town Center Motel, ah ha ha...
...that's right, he lives at this haunted wonder land. Dope.

Halloween was so awesome. Angelica, mi prima, got married at Disneyland, and Adam flew into LAX for the weekend. I also FINALLY got to meet up with my twin sister, VANESSA!! It's been like... 7 years?? SHIT! The Hollywood Forever Cemetery Dia de los Muertos celebration was BREATHTAKING! Need to upload some pics. My cousin Nessa, her boy Carlos, Adam and I stayed there until 1 in the mornin', and afterwards, both Adam and I got to crash at my cousin Sonyah's pad ON Hollywood Blvd, which is amazing. And her lovely roommate Jose, and his bf. welcomed us back any time. A place to stay in Hollywood, ON Hollywood? Perfect. And I also got to try Pinkberry.

cafes been so-frickin-slow, but with a sign up, and a small ad. on craigslist, we'll see what happens. Shannon, one of my bffs, moved back, so having someone to drink Cheladas with and who appreciates pho is great!

Thanksgiving plans are coming along nicely... Adam'll be comin' in, we're gonna do hella-crime startin'. For dinner, I'm making a vegan feast for the boy and a few friends; basically a quiet evening at home, a small reminder of all the things and people I have to be grateful for...
...and save me the raping, stealing, and crying indian shit. My roots are planted deep, dude.
Sometime afterwards, I'm making a quick trip to San fran so I can get my...

CULT BANGER!, i.e. supercult.com (banger). The content will be a suprise, but Chase Lisbons paying for it, and I am honored to have been asked to have one. Everyone should check out his profile at: http://www.myspace.com/chaselisbon

I think there's a blog of his explaining the bangers... not sure. And having said that, I'll leave you with:

cffc
1/1

My boyfriend is amazing; plain and simple. I'm so lucky to have someone in my life who has my back no matter what shit I pull; and he aint leavin' any time soon.
We're getting married at Frida Kahlos Casa Azul. Be jealous (or don't, because it's an ugly thing). Linz and I are going to have the smashin'est pad Prescotts ever seeeeeen! I can't fucking wait to get a move on and meet some new besties. I'll miss my customers, and mommy though... but maybe once I hit the big time I'll move them all out closer to me where we can prance around the forest where I'll be residing. Dope.

I hate that I don't have a working laptop right now, mostly because it's been hard to keep up to date with online shit. And I think that bothers me even more, because I really shouldn't care much at all for anything that I can't get AWAY from the computer.
So I guess this whole not having a laptop doesn't bother me as much as I thought...
...it's less stressful for sure.
Great, so now that that's all settled, I'm at my dads pad enjoying a VERY lazy Sunday. I could have swore I updated about Oregon...? Maybe I did? If not, it was great. Walked around 40+ miles in Crater Lake, most of it on the PCT and Elk (grove?) trail through the magical forest. Adam, on the other hand, walked over 1,600 miles by the time I'd arrived. He's fucking legit.
Coming home, we pranced through the avenue of the giants which is home to the largest trees in the WORLD (redwoods), did some mushroom hunting (it's a new hobby of mine), and stopped in Arcata to visit my bestie Patrick Hart. Had the best ever pizza, loaded with garlic. Afterwards we went to this great beach, overcast with trees looming near, and played. Great trip.
A couple weeks ago, Marisela, Craig, and I drove to Prescott for a "just because" trip. I got to ride the ATV(s) through the national forest, in the rain, which turned into hail. Awesome. We all hiked and shot guns, and found mushrooms, and walked downtown, and again, just had a great, very neccesary, relaxing trip. Adam and I are doing awesome-bo-boss'em. We've been looking at cabins in the forest to live. He's finishing up nursing school, andddd....



....IM SELLING THE COFFEE SHOP....




...nuts.

:)

I feel blessed to have owned my own place for as long as I have (3+ years), and I'll take the experience with me. So long Santa Maria, it's been real (mostly).

Plans for my little trip up north are going very smoothly. My mom, a second grade teacher, is on Summer break and will be driving me to Crater Lake, Oregon on Wednesday, Aug. 6th. I'll arrive late that evening and meet up with Adam who is now aprox. 2 weeks ahead of schedule. He broke his daily record of miles walked, up to 35 miles! He amazes me. And because of the fires, a friend he's met on the trail from England and himself resorted to hitchiking around the flames. Last we spoke was a couple days ago. The two of them were staying with a couple that opens their home to passerbys and hikers to eat, shower, use the phone, etc. Unfortunetly, he wasn't able to retrieve two packages of food he'd mailed out to himself because they were in areas affected by the fires, so he's been trying to get them sent back to Arizona with little to no luck. He'd gained quite a bit of weight in preparation for the trip (the heaviest he's been in over ten years!) and has now dropped down to 140 lbs... mind you, he's nearly 6 ft. tall. So he's needing to bulk up, and I pray he can get some meat on him for those days of walking that he doesn't have much food. Yesterday I received in the mail a package from him consisting of: one sleeping bag (a 300 dollar down to keep me warm in the possible snow), 3 pair of trail socks, a vile of liquid soap, and a note of tips on how to pack and what to bring. What I REALLY need is a Northface sweater/jacket, and pair of high quality hiking boots, preferably Keens, which will put me back quite a bit money wise (the trip ultimately will cost very little, but it's the closing of the cafe for a 7 day period that really worries me), so if ANYONE can help by donating any amount of money whatsoever I will be FOREVER grateful, REALLY! ANY bit helps, and I promise to return the favour in any way I can. Even if you just come in to buy some coffee, it'll go towards paying the bills and put my nerves at ease, making the trip much more peaceful and less stressful. If any of you are in a comfortable place, financially, I'd LOVE to have a couple material items on my list purchased for me even. As I mentioned before, the jacket and shoes are a must. I'll be wearing the same clothes for aprox. a weeks time. I don't think I'll be walking any more than 60 miles or so, but that's all up to the conditions of the trail, and my physical abilities. What we don't walk, we'll be hitchiking or catching the greyhound. At the end of our mini-journey, Adams father will be picking us up from Prescott, AZ somewhere either in Oregon or Northern California. Aside from worrying about the cafe being closed for so long, I'm SO ready for this! It's due time I had myself a little outdoor fun, and no better person to do it with than my boyfriend, Adam.
I also talked to my mom about moving. I'm hoping to sell the cafe for a good chunk of money, giving everything but 10k to her, and using that to get my life started in Arizona some time next year. Nervous as hell, but it's due time I leave this area and experience some new things elsewhere. I don't plan on being there forever... I love the central coast! But I love Adam even more; we'll find our place, somewhere. For now... I'm enjoying my place here as much as possible (though at times, difficult). It'll just be nice to be living with him again.

Well. More shit.
My older (half) brother, Rudy, just recently went into the hospital, complaining of lower abdominal pains. Essentially what we found is that his intestines ruptured, and he was rushed into surgery. It didn't take well, as his intestines soon tore, and his kidneys began to fail him. He was put into an induced coma, where his veins then began to collapse. It wasn't looking too good, but we got news just today that after a second surgery, he may not need the anticipated third, as he is now slowly able to breathe on his own, and his intestines are begining to heal. With prayer, and the help of loved ones visiting and keeping positive thoughts, we're looking at a slow, but welcomed recovery. Thank you so much to everyone who has been calling to check up on things, and keeping him in your prayers. His girlfriend, Laura, and one year old, Karma, are doing amazing, given the cicrumstances. As is his beautiful 13 year old, Kira. They're a very tough bunch.
Unfortunetly, my younger 21 year old brother who just recently was released from an extended rehab stint, isn't taking things nearly as well...
his girlfriend is pregnant, we just found (aprox. 3 months), and with some other stresses, he took his first drink a few days ago, and it didn't end there...
so, as with Rudy, if you all will please include him in your prayers (or thoughts, whichever way you swing), it would be greatly appreciated.
As for me...
my moms 50th went well, as did Adams 6 day visit. He's such a great person, despite the shit we went through not too long ago. We are not officialy back together in the least, but we have expressed to one another that we love eachother very much. For me, I know he's the one, and as for him... I'm still not sure, nor do I believe he is. Regardless, he's 12 days in to his 3 and a half month walk (yes, WALK), along the Pacific Crest Trail, at aprox. 25 miles a day. He's on his own, but has come across quite a few fellow walkers along the trail, thank God. I miss him dearly, but am so excited for his adventure!
I hope to fly out to Oregon in August to meet him on his last day (or few) of his walk and join him. If worse comes to worse, I hope to afford the flight and meet him at his cousins there in Oregon after he's through with the trail, and drive back with him and be dropped off here in CA while he'll go through to AZ. SO excited!
Help me afford this by coming into the cafe and buying coffee! Granted, all of my Machu Picchu money has gone to rent lately...
...it's been a struggle for all mom and pop shops these days, and I thank God every day and night just to be able to BARELY afford the bills.

So yeah. At my dads, decided to spend the night here. It's a nice break every once in awhile to.

Haven't had net access for awhile, but I hope you're all hanging in there.
Peace, my friends.

I was a bit inebriated during my last posting (two glasses of wine, go figure), so it's a tad all over the place.
Basically, after my last AZ trip to visit with Adam, things went from bad to worse in the following two weeks. Eventually, I gave in to my feelings, and explained to him over the phone just how much his behaviour towards me was destructive to not only our "friendship", but to me as a human being. He'd wanted to remain friends after the break up but he was treating me like anything but. He apologized profusely, and was genuine in his realizations. Due to personal occurences, he made a nine hour drive the following week, last month, for the weekend. I planned on sharing a side of myself that he'd never seen in the two years of our being together... (I was going through so much, drug addictions, self esteem issues, trust issues, etc.), and decided to be the confident, happy person I know that lives strong within me. After just an hour of his arrival to our suite I'd booked, we hit the pool and had the time of our life. Laughing, playing, he even taugh me to swim! Though I doubt I can get very far at this point :) After our night dip, he insisted he take me to a special dinner, but I assured him this wasnt neccesary. Mind you, the last we'd seen eachother, he was hesitant to have any physical contact with me at all, let alone a simple kiss (which I understand, but took very hard). At the airport that day, he even went as far as begging me to let him go, move on, "get over" him...
...and so with the rekindled friendship and his compliments, I was finding myself both confused and elated, but thought not to get ahead of myself. On the way to dinner, he told me repeatedly just how beautiful I looked, (and after the lengthy emotional conversation just the night before over the phone, he said he loved me, and couldn't wait to kiss me). Again, I stuck to my plan on being Ms. Independent, minus the mind games, or the hard-to-get 'tude. I think this drove him a tad crazy, since he grew more aggressive with his flattery. Eventually, he was asking if it were okay he hold me, touch me, etc. Once we returned to the room, we made love, (this is getting personal, I know, but I also acknowledge this is MY journal). It seemed to happen without either one of us knowing really what was going on, and mid way through we realized what was taking place, and neither one of us asked for it to end. The whole weekend was wonderful, trips to the dog park, our favourite private beach on base, time in the sauna, etc.
He returned just recently again, this time we spent the weekend at the beach house in Pismo. Surfing, long walks, dinners, it was great.
Though when he returned home, I confessed my growing feelings towards him, and he found himself to be in the same position as before.
Frustrating? Yes. Hurt? Yes. He'll always hold such a very special place in my heart, but I know we need this time to grow into ourselves, outside of eachother. I talk to him daily, and love him still. He loves me. I find we're more compatible now more than ever, but getting him to acknowlede that is a different story all together.
He'll be walking the pacific crest trail in 3 weeks time, and I will be dropping him off at the starting point after spending 4 days with him. I can't wait to see him, but after the blossoming attraction I have towards him now, I don't know if he'll feel it healthy to be intimate with me again. Only time will tell, and I know in my heart that if you believe strongly enough in something or someone...
...it'll work to your benefit.
Peace<3

My life's taking a turn... for the worst? I'm still trying to figure that out.
I don't know how comfortable I am with getting too personal in a public forum such as livejournal, but I trust my friends will be able to respect my privacy.
My little brother's been in rehab for 4 weeks now, aprox. He'll be coming home tomorrow... which home? That's still up in the air. My mom's cleared a space for him at her place (her place which used to house my cousin, a room-mate, adam and myself...), since Adam has moved out, broken up with me, and my cousin was asked to leave. My mom is now looking to move back in and as of yesterday, all of my belongings are now in my old room. It's going to be hard to sleep in that room, knowing that just one door down Adam and I shared our world together...

...Something horrible happened to me a month or two back, and I've been staying down town at my fathers apt. since. I haven't let many people in, but rest assured, I feel safest here.
The visit I had with Adam after our break up was a nightmare. He didn't let me get close, and went as far as telling me, BEGGING me, to forget and let go, no kisses, no intimate interaction. He had his lady friend meet us for dinner in AZ, at her request, only after receiving texts from her saying how she couldnt wait to see him, hug him, hold him etc... knowing I was with him. Before arriving at the restaraunt while in the car with him she called TWICE asking if it was okay she mention aloud that she stayed the night at his place just the night before... wtf?

ANYWAY.
Since then he's visited twice, and we were intimate, which of course was GREAT, but so confusing...


...
and now he's on the phone, so Il finish this later.

Havent had net access for awhile, aopoligize for not being updated on everyones lives. Catch up soon!

Tomorrow I'm heading south, and Saturday morning, to Prescott. The last Adam and I saw of eachother was the "break up", and then, we only had an hour to talk. So last night he mentioned taking Saturday as a talk day...
...which doesn't mean anything but that. No expectations, right? I love him so much, and I hope to be able to express that to him without coming off like all the times before. I want him to see that I'm stable, strong, independent, and able to enjoy LIFE... all things I never showed him before because I've been insecure, selfish, and have difficulties expressing a kinder side.
But...

...keep me in your prayers. I truly believe that helps. I hope to start off slow, let him know it's okay to break up with the Vero'nica of two years he'd known, and get to know and love, and eventually be with the Vero'nica I am today.

I'msoscared.

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed
Oh well. Enough said.
I know it's over - still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
Oh ...
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
See, the sea wants to take me
The knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me ?
Sad veiled bride, please be happy
Handsome groom, give her room
Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly
(Though she needs you
More than she loves you)
And I know it's over - still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
Over and over and over and over
Over and over, la ...
I know it's over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
And you even spoke to me, and said :
"If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight ?
I know ...
'Cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms..."
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind
Over, over, over, over
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes guts to be gentle and kind
Over, over
Love is Natural and Real
But not for you, my love
Not tonight, my love
Love is Natural and Real
But not for such as you and I, my love
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my ...
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can even feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my ...

I have no problem falling asleep (it's usually from exhaustion, all the crying has worn me out), but around 3, or 4, or even 5 in the morning...

...I wake up thinking of him instantly. And I'm wide awake. And there's no going back to sleep...


and I hate it. I hate this.


(I'm the one who has to see "our" things every day, I'm the one living with two room-mates because it's the only way WE could live together, I'm the one who's asked EVERY DAY how YOU are...
there are no memories of me there, and that's why you've slept so well.)

And if you're sleeping well, I'm awake somewhere thinking of you... sleeping...

and how you always looked so beautiful doing it.

With this body, I shall ecompass all
It is my will. The way
My tears shall fall like the soft rain of a spring shower,
My sorrows will blow over like the leaves of Autumn.
I will take my confusion and throw it as if a bolt of lightning crashing over the waves that swim within me.
My happiness shall not be temporary, for it will shine down and give warmth to all things around me, encouraging growth and strength to all living beings.
I will take every obstacle with but a grain of sand, accepting there are thousands more, and allowing them to pour from my hands and blow away into the distance until our paths cross again,
being stronger then and wiser from its temporary company.
I will allow myself to become soiled by my Mother Earth,
dirtied by Nature,
cleansed deep within.
And it is then, and only then, that I am able to reach total fullfilment, complete nirvana, and life INFINITE

Everything was beautiful. It couldn't have gone any better.
A lot of us mentioned the same thing, "She just stopped returning my calls. I couldn't reach her. She just dissapeared." And it finally hit me... Carlah knew us so much better than we gave her credit for. She knew me more than I thought. It wasn't that she stopped caring about any of us, or decided to ignore us. Instead, she loved us all so much that she did us the favor of saving us from seeing her so ill. She wanted us all sharing our happy Carlah stories tonight, which we did. Our "the last time I saw Carlah we": laughed. Talked. Went to the beach. She didn't want us talking about how hard it got to see her, how sick she was. Instead, all we have are the happy memories. The way she wanted. Even that Friday before she passed, I'd never seen any one in that condition, I still got to tell her I love her. And the glowing energy in the room was so healing. So wonderful.
It's unfortunate that only now is it we were all able to ban together and share our common love for this person, but it's a blessing that it was able to happen and did. And we're all better people because of her. And that love she shared with us.

And I know that she no longer hurts; it's us left with the pain and suffering now -but our pain will fade, and the memories made with her will forever be with us all.

Carlah, I love you, bitch. We all do. The only way to be with God is to die. You're the one in the better place, and because of you, I'll do my best to make MY place closest to where you now are.

So the weekend? Great.
Monday, my actual birthday...
a good friend passed away. Adam and I spent time with her Friday night... I didn't know she'd pass so soon, but Im blessed to have had that time with her.
Also,
Adam asked that we just be 'friends'... after two years, and SO much in between.
Another someone passed away.
And yesterday at the cafe I had a seizure and fainted and vommited throughout the remainder of the day/night.

I have so much going on, and I ask that you all keep me in your prayers.

I'm not ready to give up on my relationship with Adam, and I hope we can overcome this.

I'm not doing so hot.

Wanted something new before my birthday this weekend, so I went in for a quick piercing. Originally had a septum planned, but walked out with my bridge pierced instead (again). The first time around the dude fucked up so bad, so I'm MUCH happier with the outcome this time around. Except I have a MAJOR migraine that's knocked me on my ass. What the fuck.

So here are some photos of my boys new place. It's SO beautiful, and cozy, snuggled right in the national forest... trees for DAYS!

3 story, 10 bed room, 5 bath, 2 kitchen, several dining rooms, a couple fireplaces, 3 patio/balcony decks... gee, I wonder why he left my place? Ha ha. But at least I get to visit when I want! AND NO ROOM-MATES, BONUS! SUCH AN AMAZING VIEW!! And snoooowwww!!

First levels patio:


bottom floor/guest kitchen/living room (and Adams room!):


Second level, sitting room:


Fireplace:


3rd story guest room balcony/bathing deck view:


more view!

I feel so lame for getting so nervous and overwhelmed every time I think about updating. Whatt iss itt?? Anyway...
let me try my best to jot everything that's been going on down...
Wellll...
...uhhh...

so why is it when you're stressed, and there's seriously like, a MILLION things going on, and a billion thoughts racing through your mind, when you stop to think "okay, what's happening" you draw a blank... does that mean NOTHING'S going on, and you're making up problems to stress over?
Probably not. My problems are REAL... REALLY!
But not really that big'a'deal. Just reg. life stuff. And "I'm 23 and own my own friggin' business, FREAK OUT" stuff. Like bills. Coffee things breaking. Needing more customers. Not liking the customers you have. Crazies in the cafe. You know.

Home's alright. I eliminated my stressful room-mate situation by eliminating him... he still lives here, but now I just ignore him. Even when he talks to me (which isn't as easy as it may sound). But I feel better because of it! Also, there's not someone constantly over, hanging out, or spending the night anymore, thank GOD! 3 people in this house is plenty. It's still messy n' shit, but at least it hasn't become messIER. They just don't get that, just because you clean uo your own shit, doesn't mean you're done with your share of responsibilities... HEEELLO, you shit in the friggin toilet, right? (there's been poop slatter around the bowl to prove that fact, sickos, GOD), you fucking wipe your ass afterward, right? BUY T.P.!! You get to your room by walking through the front fucking door, right? FUCKING SWEEP, AND MOP THEN, fuck! Your shoes don't track in any less dirt than mine.
And since when does no smoking in your room mean it's okay to do it out the window... OF YOUR FUCKING ROOM!! Gross, pick up your fucking cigarette butts, shit.

SOOO...
...like I said, not as bad as it has been, but it's not exactly a fucking peach, either. Adam and I have been good; great even. Awesome. I make the perfect phone girlfriend. Now if I can just make that work IN THE FLESH then I'd have it made. There's always something... but whatever. I have certain drug addictions to get over, and he has some of his own shit that needs working on.
But I'm flying out to Phoenix tomorrow for the weekend and I couldn't be happier. Finally, I look forward to some sex, sleeping in, making snow angels, holding hands, soy mochas, vegan dinners, sex, sleeping in, cute thrift stores, a few bars, watching the sunsets...
you know...
couple stuff. Plus one of my best friends is going too, so... there's that. And I NEVER make anyone feel like the third wheel, so I aint worried. She aint either. Renting a car, and that makes me nervous, but nothing a few pills can't fix.

Uhm.

So I guess that's a start, right?

Also this month's my birthday and I'm having a super fun bowling birthday party, and my best santa rosa friend SHANNON is coming as well as my bestest cousin from san francisco, and Adams flying in from Arizona, and and and, I can't waaaait! Yay.

Now if I could just get the energy to get off my ass, and pack and shower, I'd be set!